Wednesday 2 January 2008

2008: annus horribilis?

Old Mother Hann’s crystal ball reveals:

Jan: Gordon Brown toasts Hogmanay with “At least it can’t get any worse!” and his ceiling falls on him.

Feb: Northern Rock sold to lollipop lady from Kenton; questions asked in House.

Mar: First tabloid picture of Fabio Capello with head replaced by root vegetable.

Apr: Government announces loss of all national tax records as morale-boosting “April Fool” jape.

May: Newcastle win FA Cup; Sports Direct wins top corporate governance award; Emirates flight makes “textbook” emergency landing after mid-air collision with Gloucester Old Spot.

Jun: Britain’s oldest man reveals his secret: three fry-ups, a bottle of Famous Grouse and 40 Capstan Full Strength every day; Chief Medical Officer resigns.

Jul: House prices fall for sixth successive month; editor of Daily Mail taken into care.

Aug: Gordon Brown goes on holiday to Dorset and signs up for canoeing course.

Sep: Shock rise in sea level swamps offshore wind farms; Government announces major new commitment to wave power.

Oct: Diana inquest concludes after 248 days with “accident” verdict; Pope re-affirms his Catholicism; largest ever study of bear habits promises shock revelations.

Nov: Cherie Blair wins I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here; Tony comes second.

Dec: Gordon Brown walks into a London police station and says “I think I may be a missing person.”

Originally published in The Journal, Newcastle upon Tyne.

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