Jan: Parliament resolves to pass no new laws and focus on repealing bad ones.
Feb: Greggs’ sausage rolls proved to prolong active life by up to a decade.
Mar: Prince William announces surprise engagement to veiled Arabian princess, who turns out to be a Romanian slaughterman looking for work in the UK. Prince Harry blamed.
Apr: Scientists demonstrate conclusively that wind farms actually cause global warming. And hurricanes.
May: Tony Blair resigns then changes his mind; Gordon Brown taken into care.
Jun: Tony Blair resigns again; succeeded by Austin Mitchell.
Jul: Patricia Hewitt is caught on camera having a crafty fag in the back bar of the Dog & Methodist off Whitehall, on Day One of the smoking ban.
Aug: Coldest and wettest summer since records began leads to scientific conference on how to combat the new Ice Age.
Sep: Referendum votes for Britain’s withdrawal from EU by overwhelming majority.
Oct: Water companies beg consumers to use their hosepipes, to relieve pressure on overflowing reservoirs.
Nov: Euro collapses; France and Germany adopt the pound and agree to phase in Imperial measures.
Dec: Goldman Sachs announces zero bonus pool and launches public appeal for hampers to ‘save Christmas’ for indigent partners.
Originally published in The Journal, Newcastle upon Tyne.
You probably had to be there
5 years ago
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