Jan: Parliament resolves to pass no new laws and focus on repealing bad ones.
Feb: Greggs’ sausage rolls proved to prolong active life by up to a decade.
Mar: Prince William announces surprise engagement to veiled Arabian princess, who turns out to be a Romanian slaughterman looking for work in the UK. Prince Harry blamed.
Apr: Scientists demonstrate conclusively that wind farms actually cause global warming. And hurricanes.
May: Tony Blair resigns then changes his mind; Gordon Brown taken into care.
Jun: Tony Blair resigns again; succeeded by Austin Mitchell.
Jul: Patricia Hewitt is caught on camera having a crafty fag in the back bar of the Dog & Methodist off Whitehall, on Day One of the smoking ban.
Aug: Coldest and wettest summer since records began leads to scientific conference on how to combat the new Ice Age.
Sep: Referendum votes for Britain’s withdrawal from EU by overwhelming majority.
Oct: Water companies beg consumers to use their hosepipes, to relieve pressure on overflowing reservoirs.
Nov: Euro collapses; France and Germany adopt the pound and agree to phase in Imperial measures.
Dec: Goldman Sachs announces zero bonus pool and launches public appeal for hampers to ‘save Christmas’ for indigent partners.
Originally published in The Journal, Newcastle upon Tyne.
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